The Weekly Encourager - 21 February 2003 - Self-Control

"He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty,

And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city." - Proverbs 16:32 (NASB)

"Better a patient man than a warrior,

a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city." - Proverbs 16:32 (NIV)

A recent book put it well: "When your child is out of control, the goal is not to control her but to help her gain self-control." How often we as parents are tempted to take the easy way out, to simply dominate the child into submission or to march him off to his room so that we can get a little quiet! While these efforts may offer a short-term solution, in the long run they can be counter-productive. A younger child can feel secure knowing that his parents will be there to help him if he loses control. But, at some point, the parents must shift from intervention to training mode. When provoked, the child must learn to analyze and re-direct his own emotions in time to act more calmly.

The same book continues, "Time-out gives parent and child space and everyone time to cool off....Children should be encouraged to take their own time-out when they feel they are on the verge of losing control. In the home, a safe place should be defined, a place where the child can gather his emotions....Children need to know that it's OK to be angry. The challenge is to find a safe and appropriate way to release the anger. Hitting others, breaking toys, or cursing is not acceptable.

"Decide...what is acceptable behavior, what the consequences of misbehaving will be, and where time-outs will be spent. Although we might enjoy it, the idea is not to send our child to his room for the duration. It is to give him breathing room. The recommended time is one minute for each year of the child's age, [or] until they are under control and ready to review what happened."

- Nancy S. Boyles & Darlene Contadino in "Parenting a Child with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder"

After further thought, I couldn't help but see the parallel to adult behavior. Adults who have not learned to control their anger can cause much more damage than children. Road rage, terrorism, spousal abuse, and murder are logical outcomes. Fortunately, there are laws in this country to help in these situations. Police are regularly called to intervene in situations of domestic violence, because someone lost control. If authorities are not called, the violence usually escalates and eventually leads to further tragedy. It's also passed on to the next generation.

It takes courage, perseverence, and hard work to train a child to control his own anger, but it is worth it. I wish I could describe the joy when my son says, "I was going to do x [angry reaction], but I stopped myself." Self-control is one of the most under-rated but most needed skills in the world today.

Our Father, You who are slow to anger, help us to practice self-control and to teach it to our children.

God is patient,