The Weekly Encourager – May 15, 2020 – Quarantine Quarrel

Have you been having quarantine quarrels at your house? While some live in places which are opening up again, others of us are still on lockdown. Psychologists have studied people in similar situations, such as astronauts in space for extended periods and scientists in Antarctica for months at a time. We’re in what they call the Third Quarter Phenomenon, where the novelty of being isolated has worn off and things feel a lot worse. This leads to greater individual depression and greater interpersonal conflict.

I see this pandemic as a time of testing. Although God has given me a wonderful husband, being locked up together for an extended time without being able to go to other places and see other people has provided fertile ground for conflict. Since I have a bad habit of speaking before I think, I’ve been the one causing problems in many cases. As I’ve tried to continue with regular times of Bible study, the Lord has brought some good scriptures to the fore. None seems better now than this classic.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs….[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” - I Corinthians 13:4-8

It’s no use being frustrated when I know that God has ordained these unique COVID-19 challenges in advance, for His glory and my good. So what am I supposed to be learning from this? Evidently I need some more training in getting along with others. I’ve been praying that God will help me to remember some of the basic principles of navigating conflict, such as choosing an appropriate place and time, making sure both people are relatively calm, fed, and rested, finding things we can agree on, speaking kindly, adding humor, and assuming the best of one another. Am I willing to put aside my own concerns long enough to listen carefully to the other person? Is my attitude that his point of view is just as valid as mine? Am I willing to consider that I might be wrong? Is our discussion advancing the cause, or just making things worse? Do I honor God in the way I deal with disagreements?

Occasionally, I do remember to do it properly. Recently, a friend did something that hurt me, and I knew I needed to address it. But instead of saying, “You really hurt me by doing X,” I said, “My feelings are hurt and I’d like to talk with you about this. I don’t want to let a root of bitterness grow.” This put the emphasis on my problem with hurt feelings rather than her problem of being mean or careless. She is not my adversary! We’re on the same team, trying to grow in Christ.

In order for this to work, I have to assume the best of the other person. Love chooses to believe that this person has my best interests at heart and so would never hurt me deliberately. Therefore, either I didn’t communicate clearly or she didn’t understand me, or a combination of both. After I had calmed down, the two of us talked. When she explained her reasoning, which included impressions she got from my own previous behavior, what she did seemed perfectly logical. The situation was actually all my fault! How glad I felt then, that I hadn't been eager to blame her at the outset. How glad that I didn’t accuse her and make her defensive right off the bat, but simply explained my feelings and got her explanation in return. Thank You, Lord. The Holy Spirit at work!

Our challenge is to see this unusual time as a blessing. Let us remember to “love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.” - I John 4:7 And may we “seek peace and pursue it.” - Psalm 34:14

God is faithful,
j