What do you do about toxic people in your life? Endure or eject?
The following statement and similar ones have been going around social media. “You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance. You don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go.” - attributed to Daniell Koepke.
I posted this quote on Facebook with my comment, “Struggling with this. As a Christian, I am called to love my neighbor and even my enemy. But what form does that love take? Does love happen at the expense of my own health? Where is the line that makes leaving the only option?”
I’ve been getting lots of responses.
Corrie Johnston said, “I've been wrestling with this for a while now! This phrase ‘removing toxic people from your life’ is SO popular... maybe even trendy?... right now and I see so many lovely Christian women posting quotes telling us all to just cut those toxic people right out of our lives. But I don't know about that... it doesn't seem like a Christlike way to respond to others. Loving unlovable people is exactly what a Christian should be doing and often times that does mean you might get hurt in return. But shouldn't we be following Christ's example? He loved the ones who crucified Him! When people hurt us in return, we have the Holy Spirit tending to our wounds and filling us with a grace that isn't our own. But I also agree that there may be some boundaries to think through when loving others so as not to enable sinful behavior. It's a topic I've been thinking about a lot recently!”
Doug Orr suggests, “Cannot we remove toxic people from our life yet continue to ‘love’ them from afar with no daily interaction that leads to toxicity?”
Another friend agrees, “I think you can love someone without putting yourself at risk. If it’s an abusive relationship, I don’t think that God would want you to put yourself in a bad situation. We are not, after all, Jesus. We can love from afar, and forgive from afar, but avoid people that will harm us.”
Dave Marney offers a parable, “We could use the analogy of rescuing a drowning swimmer. When a person is drowning, they will grab on to the rescuer and pull them down with them. You have to turn them backwards to tow them back to safety. Basically, you have to help them at arm's length.”
David Locher expands on that, “Sometimes the right answer is to ‘love from afar.’ I don't disagree this can be wise counsel. I'd just add what I think many implicitly mean: that it also isn't always the answer. Love is not simply an attitude or feeling we can have from afar. Sometimes (not always), to be loving we also have to be close. Even when someone is toxic, and even when we get hurt. Sometimes we're to sacrifice ourselves for others. It's something I don't do enough. I also recognize that setting boundaries is important. After all, even Jesus withdrew from the crowds at times. This is a tough question, and I'm inclined to think there is no simple answer. But I also think that just by asking the question, you're focusing on the right thing: how do I best appropriately love others? [We should have] that question as a guiding principle.”
Laurie Fitz shares, “My older brother has been encouraging me to explore the idea of ‘caring’ without ‘carrying.’ Toxic folks demand an unrealistic ‘support’ from us that depletes us: carrying or what we think is ‘helping’ may only perpetuate the toxicity. Sometimes the most loving thing to do is ‘not carry’ the toxicity. It is not yours and it is wrong for them to ask you to drink the poison. When Jesus approached the lame man at the Bethesda pool and saw him lying there, and knew that he already had been in that condition a long time, He said to him, ‘Do you want to be made well?’ So Jesus knew that this was a person who lived with his misery a long time and Jesus wanted to discern, do you really want to be well or are you pulling me into a ‘pattern’ of performing an assigned role/task that you have pulled in others to do. To me, this is asking, do you want a new story or do you want to hold on to your current story and cast me into a role in your story?...So often we want to carry the toxic people in our lives into the healing pool. It exhausts us and nothing changes. The burden of carrying the toxic person to the healing pool becomes overwhelming and we can lose ourselves in the process.” Laurie points out that Jesus asked the man to carry his own mat, then He left the scene.
Jessie Lease brings up an important point, “We show them Jesus in the messiness of life -- ours and theirs. He's come to bring healing to the sick, renewed strength for the weary, heal the brokenhearted, hope for the lost. As God's ambassadors, we are told we need to expect trials and ambush attempts if we walk close to Him. There's a time to ... and a time to refrain from ... Our job is to hear, know, and heed the Master's voice.”
Monique Strasser reminds us that “lots of prayer needs to go with this.”
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After pondering these many excellent points, here are some further thoughts.
God has seen fit to put toxic people in my life. How do I show respect and honor to someone, especially if they are older or in a position of authority, even though they have done and said terrible things to me and show no sign of sorrow whatsoever? What if the toxic people are close relatives? Obviously, if they’re going around wounding people, it’s likely that they’ve been wounded themselves. Are we to be like the pharisees and just leave them in the ditch?
In some cases, we may be called to be the Good Samaritan and help rescue the difficult person, by treating him kindly and taking him to get help. However, helping someone who treats you like dirt takes a lot of spiritual maturity. You must be strong enough in faith to trust God to protect you from attack. You must be able to erect strong boundaries to avoid permanent damage to yourself. And you have to recognize when someone does not want your help, and then leave it in God’s hands.
In other cases, we may be called to walk away. A friend told me of her in-laws’ acrimony toward her from the moment the engagement was announced. They’ve continued to hurt her for decades, and she’s just now realizing it’s not her fault! In her particular case, I suggested she may wish to withdraw and not visit them any more. It’s too bad her husband’s family must be reduced to a Christmas card relationship, but she needs to protect her health.
It’s harder when it’s a family member. Everyone knows deep down that family is supposed to be that safe place where you are loved as you are, and people try to treat one another well (and apologize when they don’t). When you have to say goodbye to a toxic family member, the loss feels like a death. You were born connected to this person, and now you feel like one of your limbs is being torn off, and not in a clean surgical setting. It’s just as hard when it’s a member of your church, because you are blindsided by what you never expected of Christ’s loving community. I know from painful personal experience that there is ongoing grief either way.
Yet I also know from personal experience that God is expert at bringing good out of evil. Sometimes we are called to suffer patiently, while crying out to the Lord for relief (Joseph, Sarah, Moses, Job, Paul, etc.). Jesus preached, “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets before you.” As I’ve said before, God gives the hardest tests to the best students. His plan may include learning to deal with a toxic person in a way that honors God and becomes an important testimony to others. I don’t have all the answers, but here is where I would start: diligently pray, search the Scriptures, and get wise counsel from those who are spiritually more mature. Put on your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others.
I welcome your comments below.
God is faithful,
j
Copyright 2020 Janet A. Marney